thatguywiththeglassesfandomcom-20200216-history
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
(We open today's episode with the theme sounding like the opening to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987)) Thirty Something Nerdy Critics (x3) Bitching over nothing. Geeky power. They're the world's most sheltered whiny geeks. NC: We're really whine. They're zeroes in a nutshell and they're freaks Nerd: Hey, go fuck your mother! When the evil Bay attacks, these boys'll show he's a motherfucking hack. Thirty Something Nerdy Critics (x2) TV taught them 'bout the turtle teens. Nerd: We wasted our lives to this thing. Nerd reviews bad games, Critic reviews bad movies. NC: Space Jam still fuckin' sucks! And that's really all that there is, what you're hearing now are filler lyrics. NC: CATCHPHRASE!! Thirty Something Nerdy Critics (x3) Bitching over nothing. Nerdy power. (We come to a title card styled like the show) "Episode Related Pun." Written by: Overly Obsessed Fanboys (We come to a zoom-in of Chicago before transitioning to NC's living room) Nerd: Master, we got your message about the impending danger. NC: Yeah, something about a great evil coming? (Their master being Santa Christ (Rob Walker)) Santa Christ: I sense a terrible force that is consuming our youth and threatening to destroy the Ninja Turtles franchise. NC: *gasp* That is NOT radical! SC: I sense Megan Fox as April! (Picture of Megan Fox as April O'Neil on the corner) Both: *gasp* SC: Dick ugly CGI roadkill! (Picture of Michelangelo on the corner) Both: *Gasp* Santa Christ: And all of it being produced by Michael Bay! (Picture of Michael Bay in the corner) Both: *GASP!* NC: Isn't that the man so insecure about his masculinity, he gave Transformers testicles? SC: The same. Nerd: Master, what do we do to stop this bullshit? SC: First, you must review the movie! NC: Well, duh. Nerd: That's kind of a given. Santa Christ: Second, you must find the Heart of the Ninja Turtles and remind the world of it! NC: The Heart of the Ninja Turtles..? Nerd: Where do we begin? SC: Start with the basics;Try rescuing April O'Neil. NC: What, but--she's been kidnapped? SC: Do you see her right in front of you? Both: No. SC: Then she's been kidnapped. Go, my sons! Find the heart of the franchise and rip this turtle turd a new one! (The two look to each other and nod before heading out) Nerd: Um, is it just me or does the city seem a little more, uh...animated? (The city looks like a scene out of the TMNT cartoon) NC: I just assume you see everything as a cartoon. Now come on, start the review while we save April. (And they head out) Nerd (vo): The film starts with their origin story, which I think is paying homage to the graphic novel, but it's kinda pointless, seeing how they're just gonna explain it again a few scenes later. Splinter: You are extraordinary, my sons. But your training is not yet complete. (One of the scenes in the opening shows a nunchuk smashing a VHS tape) Nerd (vo): Huh. I hope that VHS tape was Ninja Turtles 3. (We get a clip from Nerd's review of it where he slices it in half with a katana) Splinter: You are going to be responsible for amazing things. NC (vo): But they abandon the world inspired by an overly violent perv like Frank Miller, to a different world inspired by an overly violent perv like Michael Bay. And at the center is Megan Fox. April O'Neil: Wait, you said de-animating agents. Those are used in genetic research NC (vo): (as Fox) Look I'm wearing yellow, so I'm April now. (Normal voice) Now to Fox's credit she's really not...that bad. Nerd (vo): (A clip of April tied up in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Arcade Game is shown) Yeah, April is known for always being saved, (A clip of April delivering the final kick to Shredder is shown) but in this film, it really only happens once at the end. And even then, she still manages to give the finishing blow. That pretty much never happens. NC (vo): Still, it doesn't help that the character's likeable energy and perkiness takes a backseat to being dull as a pet rock. April: Hi guys, this is April O'Neil from Channel 6 News and I'm here in beautiful New York City on the first day of Spring, and you know what that means?…… Nerd (vo): Yeah, even as the light news stories go, would you really watch her? She looks as disinterested as kids doing a homework assignment. (The guys are walking through the cartoon city streets) NC: Maybe she just needs a different outfit. Like the "giant cleavage wrapped in banana peel" look. Nerd: Oooh, you saw Michael Bay's notes. (Nerd hands NC a paper which has a drawing of April with huge boobs titled "MAKE LIKE THIS!!!" The arrows pointing to her have the words "Boobs," "Big Boobs," "Titahs," and "Wow" on it.) NC: Why do you have this? Nerd: (Taking the paper back and putting it in his shirt pocket) No reason. NC (vo): Though give Michael Bay's thirteen year old brain credit, he did find a way to actually somehow get her on a trampoline. Harley Pasternak: I want you to visualize a sexy seagull. Picture you're leaving the cold north and you're flying. NC (vo): I can picture him now saying, "No, no, it's supposed to be shot in slo-mo and in extreme close-up. (The scene is slowed down and zoomed in on April) God, it's like this director sees women as people or something." Mr. Revetti: Call my guy, Stan. He'll tell you anything else you need to know, okay? NC (vo): She gets a tip from Chef (Gordon) Ramsay that something shady's going down that night at the docks, and she snoops in to see what it is. (Masked men are waving flashlights around, which are mounted to their guns) Nerd (vo): Yeah, wave those guns with lights around. Nobody will ever notice the secretive Foot Clan. NC (vo): Of course they're stopped by our unseen heroes as April notices that they left a calling card. Nerd (vo): Because, ninja leave no trace. April: I'm freaking out! I just saw a Foot Clan attack. NC (vo): Oh hi, roommate who literally has no purpose in this movie at all. Admit it, you forgot she was even in this film, didn't you? April: I was riding my bike by the docks. It was night, it's dark, already and there are Foot Clan soldiers everywhere. Then out of nowhere, there was this guy fighting back. Nerd (vo): Then from out of dark came an awesome sound. Shouted "cowabunga" as they hit the ground! From the field of weeds THE HEROES RESCUED THE FLOWER, 'CAUSE THEY POSSESSED TURTLE POWER!!! NC: Nerd, Nerd. It's in the past. Let it go. (The two continue on their walk) Nerd: T-U-R-T-L-E. NC: Power. Nerd: T-U-R-T-L-E. NC: Power. Bernadette Thompson: We need a lead for tonight. Who's got 'em? Employee: Uh, major league developments proposed for Manhattan. Bernadette: No Nerd (vo): Hey I've got one: Why the fuck is Whoopie Goldberg in this movie? April: I witnessed an attempted Foot Clan robbery at the docks in Brooklyn last night. NC ( vo as Bernadette): Awwww Christ, was today bring your daughter to work day? Bernadette: I'm gonna assume that you would not come up here, and tell us this fantastic story without some tangible proof. April: I took this photo (Bernadette rolls her eyes) Nerd (vo): Why she rolling her eyes like that. Does she NOT want proof of her story? NC (vo): Maybe, she Bernadette just doesn't like the folder that she's April keeping it in. NC (vo as Bernadette): Brown, puh! That's so like her. Nerd (talking in NC's voice): It makes no sense. NC (talking in the Nerd's voice): Hey wait, did my voice just come out of your mouth? Nerd (normal voice): Yeah, that was weird. (They shrug and continue walking) Nerd (vo): The proof isn't enough, but that doesn't stop The Shredder from warming up, by breaking the hands of the Foot Clan with his chin. I guess people can do that now. Karai: We couldn't have anticipated the vigilante showing up at the docks Shredder: お前はその国のいした図だ。(Omae wa sono kuni no i shita zuda.) Karai: We've never seen an enemy like this NC (vo as Shredder): Wait, are we speaking Japanese or English? We keep going half and forth. Shredder: I don't believe on fairytales. NC (vo as Shredder) Oh damn it, now you got me doing it. It's like vine: Once you see someone do it, you want to start doing it yourself. Nerd (vo): The Foot Clan lures the turtles out by holding people hostage in a green subway. Because for some reason, subways in movies always have to be green (shows multiple photos of subways in movies to prove his point) Karai: We know you're out there. If you don't surrender, we start executing hostages. NC (vo as Karai): Don't make me explain why everyone is hiding their identity behind a mask, except me. Oh, I'm hoping they put my face on Assassin's Weekly. NC (vo): The turtles of course save the day, and April is the only one who somehow noticed them and follows. A turtle lands in front of April. It slowly pans up) Both: (as they observe the shot) Good, good (they see Raphael's face and groan in disappointment) NC (vo): Goddamn it! Nerd (vo): So close. NC (vo): The design of the turtles aren't that bad. They have different articles of clothing that, not only match their character, but also help us to tell them apart easier. But, Jesus Christ, what did they do to their faces? They just look...ugly! It's like if the Annoying Orange was an annoying avocado. Nerd (vo): Or if Slippy Frog got Botox injections, and then got herpes. NC (vo): Or if the Finding Nemo turtle (Crush) got Jaundice Nerd (vo): Or if that troll from Lord of the Rings joined a street gang NC (vo): Bottom line; they don't look very go-ooh ooh like a radioactive Smurf that got caught in an oyster. Nerd (vo): You got too greedy. NC (vo): I know Leonardo: Do not say a word about this to anyone. If you do, we will find you……April O'Neil. Nerd (vo): Oooh they know her name; she's on the news! Michelangelo: Guys, I totally talked to a girl! Other turtles: Shut up Mikey! NC: And speaking of April, it looks like we found her. (NC and the Nerd are hiding behind a crate. Scene changes to show Krang and April (played by Tamara Chambers all tied up) Krang: Unless your friends arrive, your final newscast will be blown out of proportion Miss O'Neil. NC: Right, if we save her, we're sure to get to the heart of the Ninja Turtles. We just need a plan. Nerd: Wait a minute, are our glasses switched? (They switch glasses) NC: Man, a lot of mistakes have been going on around here. So, what are we going to do? Nerd: Well, I wired one of my calculators into this super molecular discombobulating device. NC: That seems amazingly implausible, but let's use it! (They confront Krang) Krang: I smell walking talking geeks NC: Oh come on, his lips didn't even move! (The Nerd fires his weapon and turns Krang into Dulé Hill (played by Malcolm Ray) DH: Hi, I'm West Wing and Psych star Dulé Hill………bye (DH walks away) NC: Holy smokes, how did you do that? Nerd: I just re-arranged his molecules using the bio energy emanating from this retro animator integrator...science babble, science babble, science babble. NC: My god, this is amazing. We could change the world with this! Nerd: Actually, let's never use it, comment on it, or ever reference it again. NC: That works to, yeah, I'm fine with that. (NC and Nerd approach April) NC: I get to untie her Nerd: I'll untie her NC: No, I'll untie her Nerd: I'll untie her! NC: No, I'll untie her! April: What a story! (She writes on her notepad, revealing that she can move her arms) NC: Wait a minute, you can get out of that the whole time? April: Of course. These guys know as much about tying knots as E.L. James. Nerd: Then why the hell didn't you do anything? April: Because it's a great story. Brain behind operation is literally brain behind operation, villains try to take over the world with alien technology when they could just make a fortune selling it, mutants roam the city during the day yet nobody seems to care. (NC and Nerd leave April) Turtles try to stay secret even though they are constantly on TV and newspapers. News reporter wears a yellow jumpsuit during every report (shows the bomb ticking down), and yet somehow never gets fired (Offscreen explosion as NC and Nerd walk into the frame. NC is talking to SC) NC: Hey master, I don't think we're looking in the right place Nerd: Yeah, there's something very....silly about this SC: Very well then, try defeating the Foot Clan. I hear they're trying to blow up the city dam. NC: That's not bad, the Foot's a big part of the turtles identity SC: Then onwards, my sons. You can do it! (SC's face is replaced by static) Nerd: You can do it? NC: Alright, let's go kick some Foot....that's surprisingly not redundant! Shredder: You don't understand. We're hunting turtles. I INTERROGATED A RAT!! NC: You've been smoking Nerd: Why are we still listening to this? Shredder: THIS IS YOUR FAMILY!!! NC: And you're the drunk uncle who beats up the rodent section at PetSmart.